Still Living, Still Loving

This is a blog post that I created last October after attending a seminar on dating in your older years. (I was covering the event for The Daily Tar Heel.) This was one of the most inspiring and heartwarming events I've ever had the opportunity of attending, mostly because I found that many of the lessons discussed at the seminar even apply to me at my ripe old age of 20. I wanted to resurrect the post for that reason, and because it still makes me smile and forces me to really think about what is truly important in my life.

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Today was one of those days.

It was one in which I remembered just why I have an absolute passion for writing - why I love journalism, why I love reporting, why I love people and their unique stories.

Although I have the feeling this will be a bit long, I also think it’s a must-read for anyone looking for some inspiration, some insight into real romance, or for anyone who just really likes a heartwarming story. :) 

I had the opportunity to cover a story today on a forum called “Still Living, Still Loving” at a Chapel Hill bookstore. The workshop was intended to give senior citizens - both male and female - some ideas on how to approach dating and relationships later in life. More importantly, it put a somewhat humorous spin on an issue that a lot of elderly adults find hard to discuss with others, and it conveyed the message that there is hope for love at any age. 

I got to the forum a little early to talk with the host of the event, a 70-something year-old lady by the name of Emily Gordon who was sweeter than the icing on a cake. She was an extremely outspoken, outgoing relationship expert who wasn’t afraid to crack a crude joke or two or to jump right into stories of her dating history. She immediately introduced me to others at the event as her “new friend” and she had that aura of the cool grandmother you always wished you had. 

A few minutes into our interview, she recounted an experience she’d had soon after relocating to Chapel Hill from New York. Finding herself missing her hometown, she began to frequent Whole Foods, a small organic grocery in Chapel Hill that also boasts excellent company and a good cup of coffee. 

On one particular occasion, Gordon was sitting alone at a table in the market when an elderly gentleman with a cane asked if he could join her. After a bit of small talk, the two discovered that they were both from up north. But Gordon soon realized after conversing with the man that he was looking for more than just chit chat - it was apparent that he was trying to find out if they were romantically compatible. Gordon, twice divorced and somewhat shocked by the man’s forthrightness, politely got up to leave. When she turned around just before exiting the market, she was surprised to see that the man had already moved on and joined another woman!

So began Emily’s interest in the realm of dating and relationships in the golden years. 

When 2 p.m. rolled around, the forum had drawn a crowd of about 10 or 15 people, almost all of whom I judged to be 60 or older. Gordon had set up a wonderful table near the back of the conference room with event fliers and informational packets printed on the type of stationary that just makes your heart melt. She’d even set out a tray containing an assortment of chocolates - “a woman’s best friend,” she said with a grin.

 She opened the forum with a poem reading (a poem which sadly I cannot remember the name of) that could warm the toughest of hearts. It was a hopeful message about finding yourself in others - not just in a romantic sense but in a companionship sense. Through her many lighthearted jokes (all of which were absolutely hysterical), Gordon really hit on the point that friendship is the foundation upon which any type of romantic relationship must be built. 

“Really think about friendship first. Take it slow, get to know the person. See if they’re anywhere close to where your interests are,” she said.

I sat there and thought about how this applied to my life. I thought about how, in the few legitimate relationships I’ve had with someone, I’d never really taken it slow enough to get a full sense of who the guy was. I always thought “Oh, well here we are dating, might as well focus on romance.”

Then I found it inspiring that, even in the later years when a person doesn’t feel as invincible as I do at 19 and doesn’t know how much time he or she has left, taking it slow and forming a solid base on which to build a relationship is still the number one priority.

“Take your time,” Gordon said. “There is no deadline for friendship.” 

Lane Anderson, a distinguished family therapist, also joined Gordon on the panel at the workshop. A retired naval officer, I expected him to be tough as nails - and he could be. But what he was really focused on was elaborating on the importance of companionship, and adding that real, old-fashioned romanceshould never be abandoned - especially by senior citizens who have been married for decades.

“Romance is the essence of any relationship,” he said. “If you’re married to your best friend, you will never be lonely, even if you’re alone.”

“Be spontaneous with relationships. And think about when you kissed her goodbye. Did you notice what shoes she had on, or if her hair was different?”

And what really, really hit home for me was the last point he made directly to me, as I was walking out the door and about to head back to the newsroom. 

He said that dating someone or marrying someone can never be justified by the statement “He/she makes me happy.” He emphasized that happiness is a personal achievement, one made by you and you alone. While relationships with others and having a family can enrich a happiness that is already in place, that happiness can never be created by another person. 

“If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give it away,” he said. 

Needless to say, I left with a stronger sense of self. And much, much more than I expected to gain from an elderly dating advice session. ;)

Link to the (much SHORTER, less detailed) Daily Tar Heel version.  :