Everything in life works out so perfectly. It's easy to forget that.

Talking to really good friends and remembering all the silly things you've done together is so nice. Especially when you know nothing between you will ever change. Especially when you can look past the parts that could have easily made the relationship unworkable. After everything you've been through -- happiness and sadness both -- it's wonderful to know that all is right and as it should be.

Weathering the storm is always worth it. 

Another school year gone.

And what an absolute rollercoaster of a year it has been.

I've abandoned my blog for most of the month of May, not because I didn't want to write, but simply because I wasn't quite sure what to say -- yet. As I've taken more personal time for myself and more time to reflect on everything I've crammed into my life since this time last year, I've had the chance to weed out some of the more superfluous things and really focus on and evaluate the events that have led to a year best characterized as one of immense self-growth.

I have so much to be proud of. At times, it's been more than difficult to recognize this through the wall I often put up around myself that's built entirely of self-criticism.  I hold myself to harshly high standards, and I forget that it's okay to fail and that it's okay to make mistakes, and to not always (or ever) be the picture of perfection. This past year has been dirty, messy and chaotic, but from all of that mess has emerged someone that I am genuinely proud of.

I've learned what true emotional strength is -- what it's like to put your entire heart on the line, to be misled at times, to be scrutinized by someone you've never met and to feel like you've gone about everything all wrong, only to come out stronger and better in the end. Relationships are difficult; being in three relationships in one year is an even more arduous task and is inevitably burdensome on your spirits when you start criticizing yourself. But doing things wrong is necessary to finally do things right. And that feeling of "rightness" -- when you've finally sorted out everything in your soul and pieced back together all the little parts of what make you, you -- makes everything more than worth it. This feeling (ya know, that love feeling :) is something I honestly would not trade in for any valuable, tangible possession in the universe. And learning to first show yourself love and respect works wonders, and that's something I will never take for granted. As for the people that have hurt you along the way, you have to make the choice to either forgive or forget. Often times both choices will be trumped by some other impossible outcome you wish you could invent, yet you still have to make the choice and do the best with what you've got. For me, forgiving has entailed salvaging parts of my past I would rather not forget, given the choice between the two. This quote quite perfectly sums up my decision-making process:

Forgiving and forgetting are fused together -- flip sides of the same coin -- and yet they couldn't both exist at the same time. Choosing one meant that you sacrificed seeing the other. -Jodi Picoult

I pushed myself this year, and I learned what it's like to be uncomfortable. I learned the value of being in uncomfortable situations and about the benefits that are often the result of those situations. So many times in my life, rather it be in school or in sports or in social situations, I've headed straight for a sense of comfort over pushing myself to the edge of what I knew to be "safe." In so many senses of the word, I've made myself uncomfortable this year. I took chances in relationships; I changed my major on a whim; I picked up a career in journalism; I made phone calls to and interviewed complete strangers on a weekly basis, and I asked (at times) uncomfortable questions. I spoke out in classes; I stood up for myself and for my beliefs; and I had my fair share of good old "young people" fun.

As a result, I've had a year that can be described by no other word than "colorful." I've been published over 20 times in the nation's second best college newspaper. I've met and formed relationships with the most wonderfully fantastic people I've had the pleasure of meeting thus far into my life. I have the highest GPA of my college career (and I'm getting better at not defining myself solely by my grades). I've met my soulmate (and I think I have more than one, to different degrees). I've had great, meaningful conversations. I've formed such an astounding love for my community, and I feel as much a resident of Chapel Hill than I do of High Point. I've taken an interest in things I never would have dreamed of (town council meetings anyone? ;). And perhaps the best thing of all, I've failed. I haven't gotten everything I wanted or things I thought I was sure to get. I haven't achieved as high as I would have liked to in some areas. But those things alone give me the motivation, inspiration and strength to shoot for more in the future. I have more than enough goals to keep me busy for a while and more than enough love surrounding me -- and really, what more can a girl ask for?

"So you're scared, and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore. Show a little faith, there's magic in the night." --Bruce Springsteen

Perfect for my life lately...

"Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and its good opinion...What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself."

Oh, hi again.

5:12 a.m.

FYI this is a really, really depressing time of day.

Studyin' blues

It's currently 2:25 a.m.

All I want to do write now is write. My heart, mind, soul is filled with words and thoughts and ideas that are just waiting to pour out.

But alas, it's finals week. I am still studying for my first exam, because honestly, I am determined to do well. For the first time in my college career I am seriously looking at the possibility of making straight As if I play my cards right. I've already gotten one of my grades back, so that gives me all the more motivation to keep on keepin' on for the next six days. But it's going to be a struggle.

Anyway, back to it I guess... Can't wait until I can do my year in review of sorts. I have so many lessons, reflections, etc. The usual.

Night! (Or not.)

Still Living, Still Loving

This is a blog post that I created last October after attending a seminar on dating in your older years. (I was covering the event for The Daily Tar Heel.) This was one of the most inspiring and heartwarming events I've ever had the opportunity of attending, mostly because I found that many of the lessons discussed at the seminar even apply to me at my ripe old age of 20. I wanted to resurrect the post for that reason, and because it still makes me smile and forces me to really think about what is truly important in my life.

-------------------------------

Today was one of those days.

It was one in which I remembered just why I have an absolute passion for writing - why I love journalism, why I love reporting, why I love people and their unique stories.

Although I have the feeling this will be a bit long, I also think it’s a must-read for anyone looking for some inspiration, some insight into real romance, or for anyone who just really likes a heartwarming story. :) 

I had the opportunity to cover a story today on a forum called “Still Living, Still Loving” at a Chapel Hill bookstore. The workshop was intended to give senior citizens - both male and female - some ideas on how to approach dating and relationships later in life. More importantly, it put a somewhat humorous spin on an issue that a lot of elderly adults find hard to discuss with others, and it conveyed the message that there is hope for love at any age. 

I got to the forum a little early to talk with the host of the event, a 70-something year-old lady by the name of Emily Gordon who was sweeter than the icing on a cake. She was an extremely outspoken, outgoing relationship expert who wasn’t afraid to crack a crude joke or two or to jump right into stories of her dating history. She immediately introduced me to others at the event as her “new friend” and she had that aura of the cool grandmother you always wished you had. 

A few minutes into our interview, she recounted an experience she’d had soon after relocating to Chapel Hill from New York. Finding herself missing her hometown, she began to frequent Whole Foods, a small organic grocery in Chapel Hill that also boasts excellent company and a good cup of coffee. 

On one particular occasion, Gordon was sitting alone at a table in the market when an elderly gentleman with a cane asked if he could join her. After a bit of small talk, the two discovered that they were both from up north. But Gordon soon realized after conversing with the man that he was looking for more than just chit chat - it was apparent that he was trying to find out if they were romantically compatible. Gordon, twice divorced and somewhat shocked by the man’s forthrightness, politely got up to leave. When she turned around just before exiting the market, she was surprised to see that the man had already moved on and joined another woman!

So began Emily’s interest in the realm of dating and relationships in the golden years. 

When 2 p.m. rolled around, the forum had drawn a crowd of about 10 or 15 people, almost all of whom I judged to be 60 or older. Gordon had set up a wonderful table near the back of the conference room with event fliers and informational packets printed on the type of stationary that just makes your heart melt. She’d even set out a tray containing an assortment of chocolates - “a woman’s best friend,” she said with a grin.

 She opened the forum with a poem reading (a poem which sadly I cannot remember the name of) that could warm the toughest of hearts. It was a hopeful message about finding yourself in others - not just in a romantic sense but in a companionship sense. Through her many lighthearted jokes (all of which were absolutely hysterical), Gordon really hit on the point that friendship is the foundation upon which any type of romantic relationship must be built. 

“Really think about friendship first. Take it slow, get to know the person. See if they’re anywhere close to where your interests are,” she said.

I sat there and thought about how this applied to my life. I thought about how, in the few legitimate relationships I’ve had with someone, I’d never really taken it slow enough to get a full sense of who the guy was. I always thought “Oh, well here we are dating, might as well focus on romance.”

Then I found it inspiring that, even in the later years when a person doesn’t feel as invincible as I do at 19 and doesn’t know how much time he or she has left, taking it slow and forming a solid base on which to build a relationship is still the number one priority.

“Take your time,” Gordon said. “There is no deadline for friendship.” 

Lane Anderson, a distinguished family therapist, also joined Gordon on the panel at the workshop. A retired naval officer, I expected him to be tough as nails - and he could be. But what he was really focused on was elaborating on the importance of companionship, and adding that real, old-fashioned romanceshould never be abandoned - especially by senior citizens who have been married for decades.

“Romance is the essence of any relationship,” he said. “If you’re married to your best friend, you will never be lonely, even if you’re alone.”

“Be spontaneous with relationships. And think about when you kissed her goodbye. Did you notice what shoes she had on, or if her hair was different?”

And what really, really hit home for me was the last point he made directly to me, as I was walking out the door and about to head back to the newsroom. 

He said that dating someone or marrying someone can never be justified by the statement “He/she makes me happy.” He emphasized that happiness is a personal achievement, one made by you and you alone. While relationships with others and having a family can enrich a happiness that is already in place, that happiness can never be created by another person. 

“If you don’t love yourself, you can’t give it away,” he said. 

Needless to say, I left with a stronger sense of self. And much, much more than I expected to gain from an elderly dating advice session. ;)

Link to the (much SHORTER, less detailed) Daily Tar Heel version.  :

I just really, really, really

love words.